Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
