smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
