Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
