He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
