i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
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this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
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All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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