tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
