He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
it glows. i had to have it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
