Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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