I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
