mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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