And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
