im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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