I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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