not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
