after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
