i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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