I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
