anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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