What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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