Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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