when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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