david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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