I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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