I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Randomize
