I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
