I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
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mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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