i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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