maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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