Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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