There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
