You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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