Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
