just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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