a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
