Umm I'm too high to move.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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