i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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