Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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