If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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