glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
