the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
