I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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