Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
