just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you inspire me to be a worse person
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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