I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Couch. On fire.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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