Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
