Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Houston, we have a blender
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
