dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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