Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
