I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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