omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am one with the molecules
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