New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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