Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
