Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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