I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
