I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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