They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
