Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
