i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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