I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
