Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
