I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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